


Jailbuddies

by LonelyAquarian



Category: One Direction (Band), Zayn Malik (Musician)
Genre: Accidental Littering, Best Friends, Escapade, Escape, Jail, Liam Hates Jail, M/M, Outing, Zayn Enjoys Jail
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-24
Updated: 2017-08-19
Packaged: 2018-11-18 09:24:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 6,951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11288388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LonelyAquarian/pseuds/LonelyAquarian
Summary: Zayn's accidental littering at the Grand Canyon ultimately sends him and Liam to jail, which surprisingly Zayn grows a liking to, but Liam hates. This causes some conflict when they get the chance to escape.





	1. The Grand Canyon

"Did you know it's 277 Miles long, and over a mile deep? I mean, in places. It's not a mile deep everywhere. Although that looks like a mile." Niall says as she points to a random part of the Grand Canyon. Liam and Zayn simply look at each other, completely bored with Niall's commentary. "Did you know recent evident suggests the Colorado River formed the canyon over-"

"Maybe they have earplugs in the gift shop." Liam says as they walk away from Niall.

"Ooh! Mini license plates!" Zayn exclaims as they enter the gift shop. He runs up to the display. " Margaret, Liam, Emma, Ron, Louis, Niall, Evanna, Lilly, Molly, Harry, Ginny….." He goes on and on until there aren't anymore plates.

 _"1,001_ _Grand Canyon_ _Jokes."_ Liam read of the book cover. "Hmph. That's about 1,000 more than I thought there were. Let me see what they have to offer." He says as he opens the book.

"UGH! This is total bullshit! Fucking bullshit!" Zayn exclaims angrily.

"What's the matter, Zayn?"

"They literally have every name here but mine! Why in the hell would they have Cyrus and not Zayn?!" He questions. "That sounds like an evil man who's out for power!" Zayn continues, unaware that a guy is standing behind him, giving him an uncomfortable glare when he goes on him rant about the name Cyrus.

"Take it easy, Zayn. We'll just have to make one from scratch or search online for one." Liam says.

"Sorry about my rant, sir. I actually don't think Cyrus is a bad name. I think it's powerful." Zayn says to the guy who was glaring at him.

"Thank you." He says as he turns to walk away from him.

"That was embarrassing." He says as he walks up to the counter with Liam.

"Just the book." He tells the clerk.

"And a bottle of Snapple." He says as he grabs a bottle from the fridge. "I'll give you your money when we get back to the car."

"It's not a problem, Zayn. Save your money. I got this." He says as he pulls out his wallet.

"Lia-"

"I got this." He repeats as he gives the clerk some cash.

"You're awesome." He says as they finish up their transaction.

"Yes, I know." He says as they are dreading going back to Niall.

"Thanks for the Snapple." He says, handing him the bottle.

"No problem." Liam says as they walk out of the store as he takes a drink from the bottle.

"-was originally inhabited by Native Americans, some of whom may have considered the Grand Canyon to be a holy site. So, what do you think?" Niall asks them. He is unaware that they had momentarily left him alone.

"I've seen better." Zayn says as Liam hands him the bottle. "Let's go see a movie or go to a restaurant. I'm starving." He states as he drains his drink and trips over his feet. Unfortunately, he throws his bottle over the edge of the barrier, completely missing the trash can.

Suddenly, a guy walks up to him.

"Sir, you threw a bottle into the Grand Canyon. That's littering on federal property." A man tells him.

"And I am truly sorry for that, officer!" Zayn tells him.

"Officer? I'm a park ranger." He corrects him in a condescending tone. "And you are?"

"Zayn Malik." He says, scared out of him mind.

"You're coming with me." He says as he puts handcuffs on him.

"Wait, let's be reasonable!" Niall says. "We can be reasonable, right?"

"Sir, if you don't be quiet, I'm bringing you along too for being an accessory to the crime."

"I saw some accessories at the gift shop." Liam tells Niall, who misinterprets the current conversation due to reading his book.

"What if I paid a fine?" Zayn asks the ranger. "I'll pay you whatever you want! Wait, my money is in the car! Liam, pay the guy whatever he wants!" He yells out as he is being hauled away by the ranger.

"Liam, aren't you gonna do something?!" A panicking Niall asks him.

"My friend in Nairobi is awesome; he's like a Wonder of the World. We call him the _**Grand Kenyan**_."

Niall simply stares at him.

"Well? If you don't like that one, I got 1,000 more." Liam says as he closed his book and went to help Zayn out of him predicament.

Niall watches him walk away from him, in total confusion.

 


	2. Court

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zayn Pleads His Case, To Disastrous Results

"-and that's when I saw him throw this empty bottle of Snapple into the Grand Canyon." The Ranger tells the courtroom patrons as he lifts a zip-lock bag, filled with the bottle.  
  
"Well, it's clear that you are the litterer, Mr. Maylick." The judge says.  
  
"That's Malik, your honor." Liam corrects her.  
  
"Quiet, or I'll have you held over for contempt of court!" The judge barks at him. "The fine is $50, Mr. Manic. This court is now adjourned." She says banging her gavel.  
  
"Your honor, this is a case built on lies, stacked on a house of cards standing on a mountain of fabricated falsehoods. I move for immediate dismissal. I didn't deliberately litter on purpose, so I refuse to acknowledge the verdict." Zayn says.  
  
"You can't do that." The judge snorts.  
  
"Well, then I'd like to call my first witness." Zayn says. "Niall Horan."  
  
'This is too much! Who is he and what has he done with my Zayn?' Liam wonders as Zayn walks to the bench.  
  
"Would you please state your name for the court?" Zayn asks.  
  
"M-my n-n-name is-is N-n-n-Niall H-h-h-h-h-Horan." Niall stammers out.  
  
"What's the matter? Are you nervous?" Zayn asks.  
  
"I'm not n-n-nervous." Niall says.  
  
"You sure sound nervous."

"This is what I always sound when I-"  
  
"Maybe you're nervous because you're lying." Zayn says.

"But I'm not-"

"-maybe you're lying because you don't want us to know your true identity and who you are to Liam and I." Zayn interrupts.  
  
The judge rolls her eyes.  
  
"My-"  
  
"- and the reason you don't want us to know your true identity is because you, Mr. Big Stuff, know that I am **_NOT_** the litterer! You know that I'm **_NOT_** the litterer, but you'd rather see me suffer!" Zayn tells Niall.  
  
Niall is dumbfounded.  
  
No one in the courtroom makes a sound.  
  
"What is going on here?" The judge asks herself as the fan squeaks.  
  
"And a collective gasp fills the courtroom." Zayn gasps as he places his hands on both sides of his face.  
  
"Are we done here?" Niall says as he starts to walks away from the bench.  
  
"Why are you even associated with him?" The judge asks Niall.  
  
"I-" Niall starts, but he quickly flees from the bench quickly. "Where's the nearest gift shop?" He asks the bailiff. The bailiff simply points out the window.

"Thanks." He says as he rushes out of the courtroom.  
  
"You. Mr. _Good Physique._ Approach the stand." The judge says to Liam.  
  
Liam walked up to the stand.  
  
"Take it from here, Mr. Maywick." The judge says.  
  
Liam rolls his eyes and Zayn fights a smile.  
  
"Please state your name for the court." Zayn tells Liam.  
  
"I am Liam Payne."

"That is such a beautiful name. Mr. Payne, where were you on the night of November 10th?"  
  
"Uh, I'm not sure. I might have been with my mother in New York, but didn't this happen in the daytime on June 30th?"  
  
"Aha! And how would you know that if I were so called guilty of this heinous crime? Ladies and gentlemen, I am _**NOT**_ your litterer." Zayn says.  
  
"Your Honor, can I just pay the fine for Zayn?" He asks the judge.  
  
"Hostile witness!" Zayn yells out.  
  
"Oh, you call this hostile? This is not hostile." Liam says.   
  
"If you want hostile, I'll give you hostile." Zayn says.  
  
"Objection!" Liam yells getting all up in Zayn's face.  
  
"Overruled!" Zayn says back.

"That's what I say!" The judge says.

"What?" They ask the judge.  
  
"Overruled." She responds.

"Sustained." Zayn says nonchalantly.  
  
"Keep this up, and I'll hold you both in contempt of court." The judge warns.  
  
"I sincerely apologize for my friend, your highness." Liam says.  
  
"Now, if I may. What do we know? The piece of litter in question? An empty bottle of Snapple. So, it would fit that the litterer must like Snapple." Zayn starts. "It may surprise the court to learn that I, Zayn _Malik_ , love Snapple, but wouldn't litter on purpose for any reason."  
  
No one in the court gallery moves or says anything.  
  
"Is anyone even _listening_ here?" Zayn asks irritably. "The point is, I can't possibly be the litterer, because I don't like to make this beautiful landmark ugly at all. And if the   
Snapple is unopened by the end of three minutes, you must acquit." He says as the bailiff hands him a new bottle of Snapple.  
  
Zayn tries to open the cap of the bottle in vain, but he fails.  
  
Liam tries to open the bottle too, and he fails.  
  
As Zayn taps the bottle against the bench, the bottle breaks.

"You broke the bottle!" Liam says.  
  
"I know that! I didn't do it on purpose! Why in the hell did we get a glass bottle in the first place? That was highly stupid of the bailiff." He tells Liam as he throws a piece of the broken bottle at Liam.  
  
"Why did you even tap it on the bench?" Liam asks as he throws the piece back at him.  
  
"Oh, like you could get it open, Lee?" Zayn retorts, throwing a the piece back at Liam.  
  
"Don't start with me on that bottle, Malik! It's-"  
  
"Order." The judge says as she bangs her gavel, but Zayn and Liam are still arguing.  
  
"Well fuck you, Payne!"  
  
"You already did this morning, _ **remember?!**_ "

" **ORDER!** "  
  
They stop arguing.  
  
"You are both annoying and wasting my precious time. You are both held in contempt and will be placed in jail immediately!"  
  
Zayn gulps.  
  
Liam remains calm.

"Bailiff, take them away!" The judge orders.  
  
The bailiff handcuffs both Zayn and Liam and hauls them away.

A few minutes later, Niall walks back in.

"What'd I miss?" He asks.


	3. Jail

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How Zayn And Liam Are Surviving Jail.

The camera shutter clicks.

"Name?" The guard says.

"Zayn Malik." Says a frightened Zayn.

"Turn."

Zayn turns.

The camera shutter clicks.

"Crime?"

"Contempt of court." Zayn tells him.

The next camera shutter clicks.

"Name?" Another guard says.

"Liam Payne." He says happily.

"Turn."

Liam turns.

The camera shutter clicks.

"Crime?"

"Well, some might say being too good-looking." Liam replies. As he says this, he gives the camera a toothy grin, a seductive pose, and a pose with two of the guards, with music dance music playing in the background in his head.

"Nah, I'm just kidding. Contempt of court." He says with a smile on his face as they get through their booking.

**♦ ⁂ ♦ ⁂ ♦**

"Thank you." A scared Zayn says as he takes his stripped jail attire from the guard.

"Here." The guard says as he hands Liam his attire.

"Oh, no! I'm going to be swimming in this." Liam says as he unfolds the stripped outfit. "Do you have a belt, some safety pins or a sash? I'm about to meet a ton of new people, and I'd rather not look like a big, fat zebra or something."

Suddenly, a big, strapped man that is standing behind him is growling at him.

Liam turns around.

"See what I mean? That's a lot of stripes. I don't want to look like that." Liam says as he gestures towards the man who's still growling and snarling.

"Sorry about him." Zayn tells the guy as he pulls Liam away. "He's kinda particular about him looks."

"And you aren't pretty boy?" He says. "I could kick both of your asses right here, right now!" He yells after them.

"No, thank you." He says pulling Liam away as Liam is fussing.

"You should try and make the best out of this place." Liam encourages. "This place might be fun."

Zayn groans. 

"For me?" Liam pouts.

"Fine." Zayn says. "But if anything happens to me, it's on your hands."

♦ **⁂** ♦ **⁂** ♦

“So what do you think about this place?” Liam says as the reach their cell.

"Not too shabby." Zayn says genuinely as they are in their cell. "I mean, it could use some fancy accessories and such- maybe a few pillows or some scented candles."

Liam groans as the bars to the entire cell grinds and clicks.

"What?" Zayn asks him.

"Leave it to you to think of the bright side." He says as Zayn shrugs.

“Well, you asked me to try and look at the bright side.” Zayn retorts.

Liam sighs as Zayn looks at their toilet.

"I'm thinking this might be a problem." Zayn says as he gestures to the toilet.

"Go to bed, Zayn. Take a nap. I'm think you’re lying and that you’re gonna hope for freedom." Liam says as he takes the top bunk.

"Sweet dreams." Zayn tells him.

"Ditto."

♦ **⁂** ♦ **⁂** ♦

The next day, Zayn and Liam are walking down from the cafeteria as they are looking for a table. Once they find a table, they decide to occupy it.

"Eww." Liam cringes as he takes a good look at the food that's on his platter. He looks back up at Zayn who's saying a little prayer to herself. After he prays, he takes a bite from his food.

"Ehh." Zayn says as he's chewing. "It's a little salty."

"You've gotta be kidding me." Liam says disbelievingly. “This looks like this can potentially kill us!”

"I got to say, it's a pleasure having somebody cook for me. Nice change." Zayn tells him.

"This is crazy! How the hell can you be so relaxed? We're in fucking prison! Jail! The big house! We're up the river! We're down the creek! We're 2 picks short of a load! There's no _"I"_ in team! You got to fight for your right to party! This is the highway to hell!" He says, panicking. It finally hit him that they are locked up and he starts panicking.

The big strapped guy that Liam pulled Zayn from, appears out of nowhere and sits next to Liam, grunting.

"Party's over." Liam says as the big man eats his food.

"Are you fucking kidding me?! What happened to the cool, calm and relaxed, Liam? You told me to-”

“I know what I said, Malik!” Liam snaps.

Zayn sighs before he speaks up.

“And what are you scared of? This guy? I bet he's a Teddy bear. Stop freaking out, pretty boy." Zayn teases as he turns to the guy.

Liam is freaking out on the inside.

"I'm Zayn, this is Liam." Zayn says to the guy. "You look like a Mario to me, but I might be wrong as it is just a guess. We're in cell 8-W. Come by anytime you like because I love meeting new people. The door's always open. Well, not technically, but you get the point. Anywho, would you be a dear and please pass me the ketchup?" He asks as he motions to the ketchup with a smile on his face.

The guy simply takes the bottle of ketchup, and he crushes it over Zayn's food with his bare hands.

"Are you serving time for being rude or because you can't follow simple directions?" Zayn challenges with a glare in his eyes.

"Who told you that my name is Mario?" He grunts as he is putting a fist in Zayn's face.

Two guards comes up and pull Mario away from Zayn.

"Problems?" One of the guards say.

"No." Mario says with a fake smile on his face. "None what so ever."

"I need to get out of here. Zayn is gonna have us killed!" Liam says to himself.

"Ehh, so, let me get this straight. I can insult whomever I please without fear of bodily harm in this place?" Zayn asks the guards.

"Pretty much as long as there is a guard around." Mario says begrudgingly.

I should have gotten thrown in jail years ago. It's a smart Alec's paradise!" Zayn says happily.

 _‘Oh, no!’_ Liam thinks to himself. ‘ _Why did I have to open my big mouth and encourage Zayn to be open to this place?’_

♦ **⁂** ♦ **⁂** ♦

"Say, I like your hair." Zayn says to an inmate as he and Liam are going back to their cell. "Did you butcher it yourself?"

"I'll butcher you!" He grunts.

"I don't know where you got your looks, but I hope you kept the receipt! Better yet, I hope you've got it under warranty." Zayn says to another inmate.

"Oh, I'm going to get you!" The other inmate snarls.

“Zayn, quit-” Liam starts, but Zayn speaks up.

"Hey, buddy, can I borrow your brain? You're obviously not using it in this lovely place." He says as they pass another inmate.

The inmate grunts as he puts his arm through the bar.

Zayn laughs, enjoying the prospects of being locked up.

"You know, I thought I'd be scared of being behind bars, but I think I am starting to love it." He tells Liam as they reach their cell.

"I thought that I would love it, but I hate this place. We gotta get out of here." Liam tells him.

“And miss the prospect of being a smart-ass? No wonder you’re so tight.”

“ZAYN!” Liam blushes.

“Not like that, but we can work something-”

“Let’s get back to the cell in one peace before we get killed.” Liam suggests.


	4. Escape

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liam And Zayn Escape Jail

“You got to get me out of here." Liam tells Niall as she visits them. "I'm not cut out for this place at all. Look at me-I can't eat, I can't sleep. I am going to die in this place if I don't get out of here soon. You don't know what it's like being cut off from the outside world. What year is it? Who's president? When is the new Spider-Man movie coming out? Where can I get a good burger? Why am I still here?" He rambles.

"Liam, you should really relax. You've only been in here one day." Niall tells him over the phone. "You're gonna get out of here soon." He says as he touches the glass window.

"Well, it's been a very hard day. Did you know they have a yard here where you can exercise for free? That's crazy!"

Niall sighs.

"What?"

"Well, before I go, I made you a cake." Niall says as he slides the cake to him.

"A cake, huh?" He says, winking at her. He destroys the cake searching for something hidden. "Nothing?! No crowbar, no shiv? No bobby-pins or a pocket knife?! Who the hell brings a cake to a prisoner without putting a means of escape inside? How do you expect us to break out of this place?" He yells at Niall, who's simply looking at him from the other side of the window.

Suddenly a guard yanks the phone from his hand and grabs him by the collar of his prison suit.

"Mother." Liam whimpers out.

"Ooh! Where we going now, guard?" Zayn asks him.

**♦ ⁂ ♦ ⁂ ♦**

"Phew!" Zayn says as she is wiping his forehead. "Excuse me," Hhe tells the guard. "What's the goal here? I mean, are we building something, or just making rocks into smaller rocks?" He asks him. "And would it be possible for me to switch places with that pituitary case over there?" He asks, pointing at Neanderthal-head shaped man.

The man growls.

"I burn easily." Zayn says.

"Sorry, but you'll have to pardon my friend." Liam tells them. "The heat's getting to him. He should be used to this as we’re from Europe."

"But, I'm not used to this. It's too damn hot!" Zayn complains. "And this guy is pretty damn good looking! You look like a Matthew. Can I call you Matthew?"

"Call me anything you like young man, but I do prefer to be called by my last name, Taylor." He tells Zayn.

"H's not a hardened criminal like you." Liam tells the Neanderthal head-shaped man. "I mean, I shouldn't assume that a good looking man like you can be a hardened criminal, but in my defense, you do have a Neanderthal-shaped head, which I normally equate with stupidity- uh, not that you're stupid. I just mean that you look stupid. I don't mean that as an insult. I mean, some people think stupid to mean cool. Like, " _that's a stupid car,_ " " _you've got a stupid apartment_." I should stop talking." Liam rambles. "I'm just very nervous right now. I tend to ramble when I'm nervous. You know what the word ramble means? You're probably too stupid to know- and here, I mean  _ **stupid-stupid**_ , not  _stupid-cool_." He says, as he nervously chuckles.

"Aah!" The guy growls loudly scaring Liam and Zayn. He breaks the shackles around their ankles that connects him, Zayn, Liam and a few others are sharing.

"Yes! We're free!" Liam yells out as he drags Zayn with him.

"Liam, what are you doing?! Put me down, now!" Zayn says.

They are all grunting as Liam and Zayn are running away from the big ugly brut.

"Ahh!" The guy yells from a distance.

"Get back here!" The guards yell.

Liam grasps as they come to a cliff.

"There's only one thing to do." Zayn says as he turns to big guy and the others. He puts his hands up and stands in a fighting position. "Teach that bully a thing or-"

"Jump!" Liam says as he jumps over the cliff.

"Two!" Zayn yells as they are falling over the cliff.

 


	5. Step One On The Lam

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Escape From Jail

Zayn and Liam have washed up a shore.

Zayn stirs as he tries to sit up. His eyes open really wide.

"We're alive?!" Zayn asks happily. "We're alive!"

Zayn's cheers are so loud that Liam wakes up. He looks around the beach and his eyes bug wide open as well.

"Who the hell cares about that?" He says standing up. "We're free!" He says helping Zayn on his feet. "It's like I have a clean slate, a fresh start! And this time, I'm going to be a little less charitable. I'm gonna sail the Seine river, I'm gonna canoe down the Nile River..."

_'Ugh.'_  Zayn thinks to himself as he tunes Liam out.

"I'm gonna fly to Zanzibar and take lots of wine." Liam says as he tries to run away.

"Ehh, not so fast, Liam." Zayn says, pulling the chain that's attached to their ankles. Liam falls on his face. "We have got to turn ourselves in or-"

"Are you crazy?! That neanderthal-shaped head will kill us! In case you haven't noticed, I am too young to die, Zayn. I have my whole life ahead of me. What about my dreams? What about a good night in my bed or hot showers or decent food? Jail is not for me. My pretty face will not survive in jail, so therefore, I am  **DONE**  with jail!"

"Well guess what, Liam? I'm not letting one bad apple ruin prison for me. Whether you like it or not, I'm going back to jail." He tells him.

"Well, you can go back by yourself. I'm going to live my life on the lam and I will never look back." He says.

As they try to go their separate ways, they both grunt as the chain stops them from making progress and they fall on their faces.

"We got to do something about this. I miss my cell." Zayn says.

"Follow me." Liam says.

  **♦ ⁂ ♦ ⁂ ♦**

Zayn and Liam are currently in the gas station restroom, where Liam is preparing some hair dye.

"I can't believe you stole all that hair dye back at the store. What's even more baffling is the fact that we weren't caught stealing at all." Zayn says.

"It's not my fault that the old man was sleeping." Liam says. "Now, quite complaining and let me tell you my plan. Step one of life on the lam: _Change your appearance_." He says as he's finishing up his own hair.

"You and your pretty boy problems." Zayn jokes.

"And if you're going to be attached to me, you're going to change up your hair style as well, too." He says as he starts dying Zayn's hair.

"Stop! What are you doing?!" Zayn demands.

"Don't worry about it." Liam reassures him.

"Oh! Are you crazy?!” Zayn asks him. This goes on for quite some time until he is finished with Zayn’s hair.

“Done.” Liam says.

“Well! Hello." Zayn greets herself in the mirror. "I never thought that I'd look good with pink hair. I love it!"

_'There's the carefree Zayn I'm used to.'_  Liam chuckles.  _'I love this ~~guy~~ Man ~~,~~ not the jail-loving-Zayn."_

  **♦ ⁂ ♦ ⁂ ♦**

Outside at one of the pumps, a policeman is pumping gas into the police cruiser as Zayn and Liam exit the restroom.

"Be on the lookout for 2 prison escapees- a man by the name of Liam Payne, about 5’10, and a man named  Zain Mailk, who is 5'9.”  The dispatcher says over the radio.

Zayn starts whimpering in happiness. Liam starts running away from the officer until-

"Not so fast." Zayn tells him, pulling him by the arm. "I have some business to take care of. Cell, here we come!"

"Once we get this chain off, you can turn yourself in all you want. Screw jail." Liam tells him.

"Oh, I will." Zayn reassures him. "Jail was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. No stress, no fights, leaving it all behind, with no tear and no time to cry, just making the most of life. Just like Mariah Carey sang in that one song and you're not going to keep me from it."

"No you-" Liam starts but Zayn walks over the officer, dragging Liam with him.

"Excuse me, officer." Zayn says to the officer. "I don't mean to bother you, but my name is Zain Malik and this is my lovely boyfri-" He stops. "I mean, this is my best friend Liam Payne, and we're supposed to be in jail."

"You? You're Zain Malik?" The officer asks in a bored tone.

"The one and only." He says with a smile on his face.

"And you're Liam Payne?" He asks.

"I didn't say that. I didn't say that at all." Liam says with a disdain look on his face.

The cop looks for his rap-sheets and browses through them until he finds Zayn and Liam's sheets. He stops and stares at them before looking at Zayn and Liam. The pictures in the sheets are from Zayn and Liam's mugshots.

"Well? Did you find something? Are we going to back to jail?" Zayn asks with a glimmer of hope in his voice.

"I don't see the resemblance." The officer says.

"Well, then, Officer-" He stop and stares at his name tag. "Cowell, how do you explain this chain? Wouldn't you find this suspicious?"

"What you do with your personal lives is your business." He says putting the nozzle back in place.

"But-" Zayn says and Liam cover's his mouth.

"Stay out of trouble." Officer Cowell says as he gets in his patrol car. "And don't forget to use protection!" He shouts as he's driving away from them.

"No! Take me with you!" Zayn yells out. "I'm begging you!"

"Come on. Let's get out of here." Liam says happily.

"Where are we going?" Zayn asks him once they reached a bus stop about ten minutes later.

"Wherever this will take us." Liam says as the bus arrives.

"But how are we going to pay for the bus fare?" He wonders.

"I stole the old man's tip jar."

"And we still haven't been picked up yet?!" Zayn asks, clearly annoyed with their situation.


	6. Hotels

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Still On The Run

"Can I help you?" The Clerk asks them.

"Yes. We'd like a room." Zayn says, sporting a sad face.

"Name?"

"Uh-- "

"Are you crazy? You're killing me here!" Liam tells him. "We can't give away our real names! We're on the lam!"

"I hate being on the lam. It's stupid. Besides, you're the one that wanted to check into the hotel, not me." Zayn reminds him.

"Hush, you!" Liam says.

 "Ahem." The Clerk tells him.

"I'm Charles Percy." He tells the clerk. "And this is Reed Adamson."

"Charles and Reed? I like those names." The clerk says.

"Thanks. This is probably a long shot, but you don't happen to have any chain cutters or acetylene torches back there, do you?"

"No, we don't." The clerk tells him.

"Damn it. Well thank you."

♦ ⁂ ♦ ⁂ ♦

"The motel gift shop may not have had any welding equipment, but the book selection wasn't half-bad." Zayn says.

"Are you serious? How can you read at a time like this, when I am trying to get my beauty sleep?!" Liam asks distastfully.

"Hush, you!" He says repeating Liam's sentiments from earlier.

♦ ⁂ ♦ ⁂ ♦

"Damn it! Can you keep it down?! I'm trying to sleep!"

"Well, I'm trying to read, and it's not easy with you tossing and turning." Zayn snaps.

"You think I like having to share a bed with you?"

"You know damn well that we love sleeping in the same bed together. Last week, we were going at it like rabbits, and we had lots of fun! You're lucky I'm not a woman because we'd have lots of children by now." Zayn reminds him. "And let's not forget that you were the one that proposed to me after we went all night long!"

"I hate you right now! I especially hate that we are sharing a bed, but not in the good way because we're chained together."

"At least in prison we weren't chained together. We had a whole cell to enjoy." Zayn says dreamily.

"Oh, will you just shut up?!" Liam demands.

"Oh, cell block number five!" He says happily.

"Well, you're no picnic, either! You think I enjoy listening to you wax nostalgic about your time in jail? Ha!"

"You are acting like such a bitch!" Zayn snaps at him.

"And by the way, a prison nickname doesn't count if you give it to yourself, dynamite!" He says, uncovering Zayn's fake jail tattoo.

"You better watch it, Princess, because the fuse just got lit." Zayn snaps angrilly, flexing his arm. He imitates a fuse that is about to detonate, and Liam does the unthinkable.

He spits in his hand.

"What are you doing?" Zayn demands.

He wipes the fake tattoo off of his arm.

Zayn gasps.

"HA!" Liam gloats.

"How dare you?! No one, and I mean no one, would do something that rude in prison! Now good night, _Charles_." Zayn says turning off the lamp next to him.

"Good night, _Reed_." He says with a smile on his face.

"Checkmate." He says to himself twenty minutes later as Zayn's dead asleep.


	7. Step Two On The Lam

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liam's Second Lesson On 'The Lam'

"Step two of life on the lam-- get a job." Liam says.

"And how are we going to do that? Better yet, where?" Zayn asks him.

"The diner over there is hiring. Let's apply." He says as he drags them to the establishment.

♦ ⁂ ♦ ⁂ ♦

"I'm Charles." Liam tells one of the policemen. "I'll be your waiter."

"And I'm Reed. I'll be your waiter." Zayn greets.

"Awesome. So I'm very hungry and I want something hot. What is the soup of the day?" The customer asks, and the bell over the door dings.

Zayn and Liam both turn to the door.

"Uh-oh." Liam says as Zayn's eyes widen with excitement.

"Yay!" Zayn says as he clasps his hands together.

"Zayn, don't!" Liam warns, but Zayn rushes over to the policemen.

"Officers! How are you today?" Zayn asks happily.

"Ugh, too preppy, Mary Poppins like." One of the cops say.

"Sorry about that." Zayn apologizes.

"Louis is the one that shoud be apologizing, right?"

"Maybe, Harry. Maybe."

“We’ll be back.” Liam says as he drags Zayn away from the cops.

“-but the soup of the day is a secret.” Another customer says to his friend.

“I don’t want a damn soup.” The friend complains.

“If you say one word to those cops, I promise to make the rest of your life a living nightmare!” Liam threatens.

“Really? And just how is that any different than now?” Zayn wonders. “I mean you were a pain before, but jail turned you into something that I don’t even recognize. I miss the old Liam.”

Liam simply stares at his man friend.

“Hey, tweedle-dee and tweedle-dumb, some service over here?” A sassy officer calls.

“Not a word!” Liam warns.

“Fine.” Zayn says as they make their way to the officers table.

Suddenly an idea pops up into his head.

“Oh, good afternoon, officers.” Liam greets.

“What can I get you?” Zayn says as he hands them a menu.

“What does this say?” One of the officers asks.

“We're on the lam.” Zayn whispers.

“You're on the what?” The officer repeats.

“Lam.” Zayn whispers.

“Oh, lamb.” Louis says, with joy. “I love lamb!”

“Oh! Is there a lamb special?” Harry asks.

“No, you incompetent assholes! We're on the lam!” Zayn snaps at the officers as he motions at Liam and himself.

“What's on the lamb?” Harry asks.

“Oh, I hope it's mint jelly. You know how I love mint on my lamb.” Louis supplies.

“That goes great with lamb, my friend. It’s even better with a drink! What do you think our drinks should-”

“No, we're on the lam!” Zayn yells out. “We escaped from jail and we are on the lam! We’re probably on America’s Most Wanted at this point because we’ve escaped from the great jail cell on earth.”

“You're on the lam?” Louis asks. “You look too pristine to be on the lam.”

“Are you two on the lam?” Harry asks.

“No, we're not on the lam. Zayn, he’s just a bit delusional.” Liam laughs.

“Oh, thank goodness.” Louis says. “You know you should calm down a bit. Maybe you could put that chain of yours to good use.”

Zayn flushes red and Harry laughs.

“Just give us two veggie burgers and a turkey burger.” Louis says.

“Why three, there are two of us.” Harry says.

“Yes, but they have really good turkey burgers remember?”

“True. Make it two turkey burger.” Harry tells Zayn and Liam.

“Coming right up.” A depressed Zayn says.

“Whew. We got saved.”

“I hate your guts.” Zayn snaps angrilly. “We’re never going back to jail at this rate.”

“Oh well.” Liam says happily.

♦ ⁂ ♦ ⁂ ♦

“How'd we do?” A mopey Zayn asks.

“We only made 75 cents in tips.” Liam says, completely un-worried about their money situation. “I've got the wrong personality for customer service. I thought I would’ve exceled at that.”

“Well, this just proved you wrong.” Zayn says grabbing the three quarters from him. “This, combined with the money you stole from the gas station, isn't enough money for the hotel. Where are we going to sleep?"

"Step three of life on the lam-- always have a back-up plan." Liam tells Zayn as he turns towards the door.


	8. Step Three On The Lam

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liam's Third Step On The Lam, With Disastrous Results.

It is late at night and the wind blowing. Zayn shivers as the wind violently blows.

"Here. Have some more newspaper." Liam says as he offers Zayn two stacks of newspaper.

"Thanks." A blushing Zayn says as he takes the paper from Liam.

"No problem."

"Damn! That was a mean sardine sandwich." An old lady says loudly as she flushes the toilet.

Zayn and Liam scrunch their faces while the lady exits the restroom.

The door starts creaking as she leaves the door open.

"So, this is the plan? Sleeping on the roof of a shabby old gas station with some newspaper as our blankets?" An annoyed Zayn tells Liam.

"Yup." Liam says happily as he is adjusting the newspaper over his body.

"Nice back-up plan." Zayn says.

"Look on the bright side-- at least it can't get any worse." Liam says as he throws his hands up in the air.

"Really?"

"You shouldn't be so skeptical about this, Z. It'll be good. Just you wait." Liam says optimistically.

Suddenly, thunder claps loudly and it starts to rain.

"Oh no! My hair!" Liam exclaims.

"Any other bold predictions?" Zayn asks him.

"One day, this country will have plenty of Harry Potter attractions! Just you wait and see!"

"That's already happened, in Florida and in California."

"Maybe we'll have more on day. Would you believe me if I said that I've been practicing to be wizard?"

"Liam, I mean this with love. YOU ARE DERANGED!" Zayn tells him. "Being on the _'lam'_ has taken a toll on you."

"Has not."

"Oh really? If you were a wizard, you'd do something about this chain." Zayn says showing them the chain that's linked to their ankles.

Liam positions himself on the roof and raises his hands and points his hands to their ankles.

"What the-" Zayn says but Liam cuts him off.

"Chain, break!" He says to the chain.

Nothing happens.

Zayn chuckles.

"Chain, break!"

Again, nothing happens and Zayn can't control his laughter.

"And you're laughing at me because.....?"

"You may not be a wizard but you sure are entertaining." Zayn laughs hysterically.

"Silence!" Liam snaps. "You're throwing off my wizard concentration."

"Sorry, _Dumbledore_."

Liam positions himself and points to the chain with his hands again.

"Chain-"

A thunderbolt hits the chain and the shackles are broken from their ankles.

Zayn gasps at the unexpected moment.

"I am a wizard!" Liam exclaims happily.

"Oh brother." Zayn says as he rolls his eyes. "That was lightning."

"Ha! Classic non-wizard thing to say. Suck it, babe. Suck it." Liam says as she rubs his 'powers' in Zayn's face. "Now the only question that remains at the moment is, will I be a good wizard or a bad wizard?"

"Pick a side, you cross-town nut."

"Bad wizard! Beware, mortals, for Liam Payne, the wizard shall rule the world with his boyfriend Zayn Malik!"

"I will not be a bad wizard like Voldemort, alright Liam Payne?"

"Did you say Liam Payne?" A man asks.

"I sure did." Zayn responds.

"I am Liam Payne, the wizard."

"Yeah, in his head." Zayn supplies.

"Who wants to know?" Liam asks.

"The police who just came out of the mini-mart."

Zayn squeals and the color of Liam's face drains.

 _'We're going back to jail.'_ Zayn happily thinks to himself.

 _'Oh no! We're going back to the confines of jail.'_ Liam thinks to himself, dreadfully.

"You're going back to jail." The police tells them.

Zayn pulls Liam's arm and the jump off the roof. They land on their feet.

"I thought you'd never find us!" Zayn says as he hugs the police officer.

"So close, yet so far." Liam groans as the police handcuffs Liam and Zayn to one handcuff.

"This is Officer Jackson. I've got the escapees in my possession." The officer says over the radio.

"Lightning, strike! Lightning, strike!" Liam says desperately as he's trying to get away from the police, but Zayn isn't having it.

"Jail cell, here we come!" Zayn says happily. 


	9. Freedom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ziam Are Finally Free!

After an entire year of making acquaintances, smoking cigarettes, fighting with obtuse inmates, and working out, Zayn and Liam are finally free from detainment.

The doors open.

“No! Don't make me leave!” Zayn wails as he is being escorted off the prison premises by the guards. “Wait, no, wait!”

“You can’t stay here anymore.” One of the guards tell him as he is pushing him.

“Beat it.” The other one says as he is pulling him out of the cell.

“Oh!” Zayn exclaims as he is at the threshold of the prison doors.

The police throw Zayn out the door.

They stare at him.

“But tonight's meatloaf Monday!” He yells as the prison doors slam in his face.

Zayn sobs at his new found freedom, meanwhile......

“So long, _chainsaw_.” Liam tells one of his cellmates. “Call me when you get out, in 355 years.”

“You got it, dude.” Chainsaw says.

 _‘What a tool.’_ Liam thinks to himself. He is extremely happy to be finally getting the hell out of this place.

“I’m gonna miss you.” Chainsaw tells him.

Liam starts to make his way to the doors, extremely happy.

Suddenly he stops at another cell.

“Take care, _manslaughter_. And look into getting that name changed. I really think it'll make a difference.”

“Hmm.” Manslaughter ponders deeply.

Finally, Liam walks up to the infamous prisoner of all.

“And I think I'll miss you most of all, Neanderthal-shaped head man.” Liam says with smug look on his face.

The Neanderthal-shaped head man stares angrily at Liam.

“Rawr!” The man growls as Liam walked away from him.

Zayn is sitting in the passenger’s side, crying heavily as Niall is driving Zayn and Liam home.

“Ah, Zayn,” Niall starts. “You have nothing to worry about so you can stop crying. Look at the bright side of the situation my friend. You're free!”

"But that's why I'm crying!" Zayn sobs.

"Cheer up. With a recidivism rate of 68%, you'll be back in jail in no time."

"I hope so."

"I hope so." Zayn says as he’s wiping the tears from his eyes.

"What about you, Liam?” Niall asks as he looks in his rear-view mirror. “Did you learn your lesson?”

“You bet. I'm a changed man. I will never argue with my boyfriend in court ever again.” Liam says. “I’m gonna drink your water, bro.”

“Knock yourself out.”

Liam downs the water in less than a minute and without even realizing it, he throws the empty water bottle out of the car window.

Suddenly, the sirens go off.

The police are behind them.

“Oh fuck!” Liam exclaims.

“Aww, yeah!” Zayn exclaims though his tears. “We’re going back to jail!”

"Dammit, Liam! Zayn, will you open the glove compartment and hand me my registration?” Niall asks.

**Author's Note:**

> First Ziam story. What do you think?


End file.
